Author: claire.kerby@btinternet.com

Peope can feel vulnerable on many different occasions in their lives for varied reasons. They may be experiencing discomfort or violence in their own home, in the workplace they may lack confidence in presenting their work, be shy, seemingly less able to make friends than others. Vulnerability can hit us in many different ways time and time again and often without warning.

Vulnerability can feel really scary. Will I be safe walking past that gang of kids at the bus stop? Will I be OK paying for this supermarket shop or will my card be refused? How can I be sure of finding my way home in the dark the first time I’ve been to a particular place? Will I be safe walking home on my own at 10 o’clock this evening? What if I don’t know anyone at the event I’ve said I’ll go to – what if no-one talks to me?

The possibilities are endless, forever changing and few of us have so much confidence that we never experience the jangling nerves, tightening of the jaw, shakey voice, churning stomach … it’s encoded deep in our reptilian brain. Fight, freeze or run away as quickly and as far as you can.

Alternatively, you can stop, take a breath, and choose to respond in a particular way, one which is kinder to yourself and any others involved. For myself, part of me was dreading going to see my daughter running in the London Marathon recently. My relatively recently diagnosed MS made me feel really vulnerable. Five years ago pre-diagnosis I would have been excited by the prospect of seeing her but no, I was worried about how I would cope with the crowds, the congestion, a fear of feeling utterly overwhelmed, a fear of falling. Reflecting on my newly reinforced sense of vulnerability, I asked my sons for help and they were happy to provide it (of course, Mum!).

Rene Brown finished a 2014 TED talk on vulnerability with the following: “… to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, …when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough,” when we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.” Let’s stop the shame and enjoy our vulnerability as much as we can!

There are some people for whom I have huge admiration: counsellors who have branched out into teaching other counsellors ways in which they can build their business. Two I know of in particular extol the virtues of having a ‘niche’. They have both succeeded in this, which they’ve successfully promoting their businesses via their websites, speaking on public platforms, running courses, having a presence on Instagram, Linked in, twitter, Facebook, and other such social media platforms.
I may be doomed, but I don’t really want a niche. I don’t want to pigeonhole myself and only talk to Angry Men, or Anxious Women two ‘groups’ with whom I seem to do quite a lot of work. From my point of view, giving someone a label can be very misleading. Angry men, labelled ‘angry’ because of a box they’ve ticked, often aren’t really angry at all. OK, maybe they occasionally lose their temper, but who doesn’t? When you talk to them in a counselling session they are invariably quick to say they don’t have an ‘anger problem’, but describe sometimes feeling really wound up or frustrated, and it is this frustration that can spill over into having an ‘angry’ label.
Additionally, angry men are sometimes anxious, and the same applies to women too. Anger isn’t ‘owned’ by men, and neither is ‘anxious’ the sole preserve of women. It just so happens that a label has stuck, and each time it’s applied if it becomes a problem, the glue needs loosening to find out why.
In a similar way, if I have a specialism at all it’s probably bereavement, thanks in part to volunteering for a bereavement charity in the past, but ‘bereavement’ as a word can be very limiting as people often assume it applies to death and only think of it in terms of the passing away of someone they know. I can write about this at length and will do in another blog, but fundamentally, for me bereavement covers a multitude of different kinds of loss. What about the pain experienced by a father as he is only allowed a weekly video call with his young kids whilst waiting for a court to decide on access arrangements, a situation that has arisen after false (from his point of view) accusations were made against him by his ex-partner? No-one has actually died, but he’s grieving for his kids, missing them intensely and certainly going through many of the emotions traditionally associated with bereavement. How about the loss of friends of a woman in her twenties who have decided to believe the tales being told by a mutual acquaintance who has been spreading ‘mistruths’ and painting her in an unappealing way, meaning she’s now been ‘blocked’ on social media accounts? Again, maybe not ‘bereavement’ as we usually think of it, but she’s mourning the loss of what used to be very important friendships to her.
Using any label, such as ‘bereaved’, ‘angry’ or ‘anxious’ frequently just exposes the tip of an iceberg. Underneath can be a wealth of feelings and emotions that are playing out and it is the counsellor’s work to try and unpick the label and expose the truth behind its use.
In the same vein, when it comes to labelling counsellors, I’d prefer to be known as a General Counselling Practitioner or GCP, just as a doctor may be a General Practitioner, prepared to accept a wide spectrum of people with a variety or labels or none and make referrals to specialists as and when it is needed.

Feeling stressed? You’re not on your own!

Frighteningly, a report was published earlier this year by the Mental Health Foundation which had the following heading: 74% of UK ‘overwhelmed or unable to cope’ at some point in the past year’. 81% of women said this and 67% of men, with 83% of 18-24 year olds agreeing (compared with 65% aged 55 and over). 32% of adults reported that they had experienced suicidal feelings as a result of stress, and 16% had self-harmed as a result of stress.
To me, to say you’re feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope is serious stuff and I hope all those feeling this way have been able to find the help and support they need. Worryingly, the figures are dated from 2018 and I doubt that there will have been any improvements since. It will be interesting, and potentially really worrying when new figures are published.
It is well documented that stress, however caused, can lead to increased anxiety and/or depression as well as physical health problems such as indigestion, problems sleeping, and heart disease.
About ten years ago I lived through a period when I couldn’t leave the house without a supply of Gaviscon to see me through the day. Life can be difficult, as it was for me then, and sometimes you feel both hopeless and helpless, but there is always room for hope … even if it seems a struggle to find it. Focussing on your breathing really can help make a difference.
A favourite quote of mine is that of Jon Kabat-Zinn: “As long as you are breathing there is more right with you than there is wrong, no matter how ill or how hopeless you may feel”.
Currently the value of breathing seems to be popping up everywhere. Michael Mosely talks about how ‘learning to control your breath can lower anxiety and enhance your decision making’ in his Just One Thing podcast on the BBC. He suggests breathing in for four seconds and exhaling for six, practising this for a few minutes several times a day. On Mindfulness.com, they suggest the 4-7-8 breathing method as named by a Dr Andrew Weil (an American doctor): breathing in counting to four, hold that breath whilst counting to seven, and slowly exhale whilst counting to eight. I found this difficult the first few times I tried, but it can be done if you remain strictly focussed on the breathing. Even the NHS encourages people to breathe, this time counting to five before breathing out (warning that you may not be able to reach 5 at first …).
Although you are obviously able to breathe if you’re reading this, you may not have realised how the benefits of concentrating on breathing for a few minutes a day can be really significant. Various websites list how it can help decrease levels of stress, improve our overall sense of well-being and help to bring about interconnectedness between our minds and bodies (www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk).

Some talk about the value of ‘deep breathing’ or chest vs abdominal breathing but it really isn’t worth getting too hung up on these subtleties. Whether you’re feeling stressed or anxious, taking a short break sitting in the toilets in the supermarket or at work, or in a layby in the car and taking time to breathe for just 3 or 4 minutes WILL slow your heartbeat, lower your blood pressure, reduce your stress levels and help you feel more in control of your body both physically and mentally. It may even help offset depression, chronic pain and symptoms of diabetes. Try it – it certainly won’t harm you and it may mean you don’t become one of the 74% …