Getting a diagnosis of MS can lead to any of a vast array of reactions: denial, disbelief, feeling like you’ve been slapped in the face, punched in the gut, or forced into stoicism and stiff upper lip territory.
For me, after staring hopelessly at the sky and asking ‘why me’ a few times, it had to be the latter. I was a single mum, sole breadwinner and didn’t feel I had much choice.
Over the next 8 years I felt I learned to accept my diagnosis and find ways of helping to cope with it, in part via the practice of mindfulness meditation, but also through my counselling work with others affected by MS. (I’m a counsellor in private practice by trade). So far so good. My walking, balance, energy and strength had taken a knocking, but it was not particularly visible to the outside world, at least not until I started occasionally using a walking pole for balance. (I hate using the term walking stick - it makes me feel older, frail, and more needy. With a walking pole I may be about to go off for a strenuous hike in the hills. I’m not).
In the last few months, my mindset shifted. I had never felt ashamed of my MS, maybe awkward and clumsy, but hey, that’s to be accepted and I never attempted to hide it. The mindshift has been significant though: a shift from resigned acceptance, to one of thinking it really isn’t my fault, so why not squeeze any benefits I can from it; taking control and being more assertive. Having undergone this shift my car now announces my blue badge status for the world to see and financial benefits may accrue from my new National Disability Card in time.
Embarrassed, awkward, or ‘why the hell not? I am no longer ’abled’ and as (disabled) Claire Mark 2, I can’t return to being (abled) Claire Mark 1, unless a miracle cure arrives. These two pieces of plastic, the Blue Badge and National Disability Card are small paybacks when viewed from the perspective of a more rounded, holistic, inclusive picture of what it can be like live with MS or indeed any other chronic disability.
The next challenge: to persuade the council to give me a disabled parking bay …
Claire Kerby
28.10.26